Movie Quotes Blog

Johnny Knoxville:
[to Steve O] Go grab the dead kitty!

[later, in disbelief after Steve O exits the poo river]

Johnny Knoxville:
You’re not going to save the kitty?

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Steve-O:
We’re in Okinawa right now, and we’re about to go swim with some whale sharks, but first…

Chris Pontius:
We need to go rub one out.

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[opening line]

Johnny Knoxville:
I’m Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to “Jackass”!

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Bam Margera:
Whose dick do I gotta suck to get some explosions around here?

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Johnny Knoxville:
What’s the quickest you’ve ever knocked anyone out?

Butterbean:
I hold, like, a California state record’s like 18 seconds including the ten-count.

Johnny Knoxville:
I think you’re gonna break that today.

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Johnny Knoxville:
[giving off camera direction to Jason Acuna] Kick yourself in the head, wee man.

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Ryan Dunn:
What a dumbass idea! I’m surrounded by cacti, for f*ck’s sake!

Spike Jonze:
*Offscreen* It’s cactus!

Ryan Dunn:
It’s cacti! Whatever it is it hurts!

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[opening narration]

Opening narrator:
WARNING - The stunts in this movie were performed by professionals, so for your safety and the protection of those around you, do *not* attemp any of the stunts you’re about to see.

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Johnny Knoxville:
There’s no such thing as failure, Steve-O!… One thing I know, is good tightrope walking!

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Bam Margera:
This is Sweaty Fat f*cks.

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Steve-O:
Yeah dude!

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Ryan Dunn:
I’m about to sh*t my ass!

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Ryan Dunn:
I’m surrounded by cacti, for f*ck’s sake… IT’S CACTI!

Steve-O:
It’s cactus!

Ryan Dunn:
Whatever it is, it hurts!

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Chris Pontius:
Wait a minute. I already know my fortune, it’s partying!

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[after disturbing a golf game with an air horn]

Angry Golfer:
Didn’t I tell you I was going to come over here and kick your ass for that?

Johnny Knoxville:
But… I’m sorry. I got bursitis.

Angry Golfer:
You got bursitis.

Johnny Knoxville:
Yeah.

Angry Golfer:
So that means you gotta play with a horn?

Johnny Knoxville:
It helps.

Angry Golfer:
I’ll give you something to play with, pal!

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Man:
We have many… What the hell you doin?

Dave England:
I’m sorry. I’m almost done.

Man:
I hope you ain’t takin’ a sh*t in that sonfabitch.

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Chris Raab:
I’m Raab Himself and I’m a complete f*cking idiot.

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Spike Jonze:
[Acting like an old man on a scooter] You’re a nice man. Would you like to come over for dinner?

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[after waking Phil up with fire works]

Bam Margera:
Hey Phil, you know you have to get up at 5 in the morning tonight.

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Ryan Dunn:
I could sure go for a Miller High Life…

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Bam Margera:
Now these rocket skates are going to be a little different than the last.

Johnny Knoxville:
You using different bottle rockets?

Bam Margera:
Nope. Just more of ‘em.

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Chris Pontius:
Hi, I’m Bunny the Lifeguard, any of these alligators try to ruin our swimming, I’m gonna wrestle them down, and probably have my way with them.

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Bam Margera:
Since we no longer have to bleep cuss words, I promise I will get my mom to say, “f*ck” by the end of this movie.

[after seeing an alligator in her house]

April Margera:
That’s the scariest f*cking thing I ever saw!

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Phil Margera:
Now you’re getting crazy with this sh*t. Ape! He’s starting to lose it! Jesus Christ! Ape! I need toilet paper!

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April Margera:
[fanning blankets in bed] I’m helping you, are you OK?

Johnny Knoxville:
[under blankets, clearly suffering] No, you’re just wafting Phil’s ass in my nose!

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Johnny Knoxville:
I have bad news written all over me.

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Bam Margera:
Look at Phil’s tummy.

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Ehren McGhehey:
What’s wrong?

Johnny Knoxville:
I done fell and busted my ass, that’s what’s f*ckin’ wrong!

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[in opening of “Butt-x-ray”]

Steve-O:
So, is there any, like, *real* reason, why would someone stick something like that in his ass?

Ed the medic:
No.

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Johnny Knoxville:
Do you have a pocket ass?

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Steve-O:
You know it’s when like your parents said “I’m not mad at you, just disappointed” You know that hurt so much more.

[Laughing]

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Butterbean:
Hit me once at least.

[Johnny Knoxville punches Butterbean in the face]

Butterbean:
There ya go.

[Butterbean punches Knoxville unconscious]

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Steve-O:
Dude they’re telling me the parasites in there can f*cking crawl through your anything like even my dick hole, I’m like so I wanted to put like a rubber on, but no one has a rubber. Dude f*cking after all that pussy and my dick goes down because of this sh*t

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Johnny Knoxville:
[laughing at Dave England who has soiled himself] Oh sh*t, I’m taking a cab back to the hotel!

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Johnny Knoxville:
I think I’m a little concussed.

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Steve-O:
[while preparing the wasabi to snort it] Chopsticks are so *stupid*!

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Johnny Knoxville:
Is this the worst you’ve ever had to go boom-boom?

Dave England:
No man. I sh*t my pants at the fair.

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Rakeyohn:
[referring to bungee wedgie] This is worse than the hanging.

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Ryan Dunn:
I’m not too excited about this skit, it’s not my favorite I’ve ever done, because there’s a toy car in my butt. But this is the “Butt X-Ray”.

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[while viewing the apparatus for the “Bungee Wedgie” stunt]

Rick Kosick:
This isn’t gonna work!

Jeff Tremaine:
It might…

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[Johnny Knoxville returns the badly damaged rental car]

Rental car attendant:
Whose car is this?

Johnny Knoxville:
This is your guy’s car. I rented it from you earlier.

Rental car attendant:
Yes… What?

Johnny Knoxville:
Yeah, I hit a dog.

Rental car attendant:
A dog isn’t gonna do all that.

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Johnny Knoxville:
[referring to firework going off] That almost hit Loomis in the face!

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Ryan Dunn:
[after many failed intro attempts, sigh] Goddamn, this is the BMX tug-of-war.

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[a man tries to help Spike Jonze after his scooter zooms downhill]

Man:
You all right?

Spike Jonze:
Yeah.

Man:
You have… Your brakes go out?

Spike Jonze:
Yeah. The whole thing doesn’t work.

Man:
Really?

Spike Jonze:
Will you push me to the top? I wanna do it again.

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Johnny Knoxville:
This is the Muscle Simulator.

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Steve-O:
I am so glad I turned this idea down.

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Ryan Dunn:
I’m Ryan Dunn, and I’m about to get the sh*t kicked out of me by a girl.

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Steve-O:
We wanted to see if you would run!

Ryan Dunn:
I’m not running anywhere with a toy car shoved up my butt.

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Steve-O:
Hi it’s cold in Japan, so were going to warm ourselves up with some fireworks.

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Johnny Knoxville:
That was my flesh!

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