Movie Quotes Blog

Anna Riley:
I just called to see how the date went.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
That’s so funny. I had an impulse to call you last night but then I thought it might be too late.

Anna Riley:
You should’ve. I was stuck here barking at Los Angeles. So what did you wear?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
What? I’m not gonna tell you what I wore on my date. Why would I do that?

Anna Riley:
I want to get an image of a young rabbi on the prowl, what’s your game man?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Ok. Navy blue pin stripe suit.

Anna Riley:
Mmm.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Navy blue button down shirt.

Anna Riley:
Good colour for your eyes. Shoes?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Black. Kenneth Cole. Leather.

Anna Riley:
Size?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Big.

Anna Riley:
Ow!

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
You wanna hear about the special knot in my tie?

Anna Riley:
Baby no, we gotta keep room for dessert. Don’t give up hope ok?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
I’ll keep it alive.

Anna Riley:
Good bye Mr Sharp Dressed Man.

---

Anna Riley:
We have a chemistry together, I can’t explain it.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Well, chemistry’s a funny thing.

Anna Riley:
Yes, it is. Are you speaking abstractly or specifically?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Abstractly.

---

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
I’m Irish! This is milk to me baby! Milk!

---

Anna Riley:
[Brian dials Anna’s phone number and hears her voice on the answering machine] Hi, this is Anna. Only three people have this number. If you’re not one of them, leave me alone.

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Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
The truth is, I don’t really learn that much about your faith by asking questions like that… because those aren’t really questions about faith, those are questions about religion. And it’s very important to understand the difference between religion and faith. Because faith is not about having the right answers. Faith is a feeling. Faith is a hunch, really. It’s a hunch that there is something bigger connecting it all… connecting us all together. And that feeling, that hunch, is God. And coming here tonight, on your Sunday evening… to connect with that feeling, that is an act of faith. And so all I have to do is look around the room at this packed church… to know that we’re doing pretty well as a community. Even if all of you failed my pop quiz miserably.

---

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
I got you something. I almost didn’t because I was so mad but this is too good.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Holy sh*t! It’s the Rabbi Schlomo Schnurson rookie card! It’s like the last in the series!

---

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Greta Nussbaum, before she pulls her rotator cuff.

---

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
He has a healthy self-confidence, I can tell from his posturing.

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Anna Riley:
What’s happening with Ruth and Ethan?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Oh. Ethan married a Catholic girl and that did not go over well.

Anna Riley:
That’s why they’re fighting?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
They’re not fighting, they’re not talking. Two years now no communicado.

Anna Riley:
Are you serious?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Yeah.

Anna Riley:
What? Weren’t they really close though?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
As close as Ruth and Jake.

Anna Riley:
That explains a lot.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
You see why tonight was not just a date.

---

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
You’re in love with her?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
[to himself] No one seems to have picked up on this. It’s very strange.

---

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Feel the prana!

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Ruth Schram:
Now you. Anyone new in your life I should know about?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Wow, 20 minutes! I can’t believe we made it this far.

Ruth Schram:
It’s my God-given right to check. What about the Shapiro girl.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Oh, no, not the Shapiro girl.

Ruth Schram:
Why not, she was a looker.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
It’s not that, the problem was here.

Ruth Schram:
What? Bad skin?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
No, not bad skin.

Ruth Schram:
What then?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Ok, you want an example? I take her out to dinner, I order dessert, she says she doesn’t want any, I get pecan pie. She asks me for a bite, I give her a bite, her face swells up like a chipmunk, she looks at me and says, “Oh, my God, are there nuts in this?”

Ruth Schram:
So what?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Mom! It was pecan pie.

---

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
You’re gonna benefit from this!

---

Anna Riley:
People should have to qualify to go out with you. You’re too precious to be on the open market.

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Rachel Rose:
You write all your own sermons, right?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Actually I download them off the net, there’s this great site www.hotgod.com.

Rachel Rose:
Really?

[Anna kicks him under the table]

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Ooh hoo, no.

---

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Whoa! Listen to what you’re saying. You’re telling me that I was supposed to be sensitive to the possibility that a Catholic priest might have a crush on my secret girlfriend?

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Anna Riley:
I read your sarin gas report. It was very powerful.

Rachel Rose:
Thanks, I really earned my stripes with that piece.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
I earned my stripes by getting through a bris without fainting.

---

Anna Riley:
[to Jake] So what’s your chick situation?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Oh, don’t ask, it’s not a good story.

Anna Riley:
Why?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Because his whole congregation is trying to set him up and it makes him very uncomfortable.

Anna Riley:
What’s wrong with that?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
There’s a reason pandas don’t mate in captivity.

Anna Riley:
What does that mean?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
It means these mothers keep making these dates for me that I can’t refuse. They’re very intimidating, they’re like the Kosher Nostra. They’re little women but very determined.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
I think you get a little melodramatic about this, don’t you think?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Oh, yeah? Today one of them faxed me her daughter’s resume.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Let me see that. Ali Decker.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Look at the bottom.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Oh. She has a skills section.

Anna Riley:
Yes?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Oh, you win. She put jogging as a skill.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
See? She doesn’t even know the difference between a hobby and a skill.

Anna Riley:
All right, so maybe she’s a skilled jogger.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
I have to go on a date with this woman. Why can’t I just say no?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
I don’t know, why can’t you?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
I can’t alienate these women, I need body count at the temple.

---

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
How upset are they?

Rabbi Lewis:
Let’s just say they’re less than thrilled.

Larry Friedman:
To be honest, we’re less than thrilled.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Ok, with what specifically?

Larry Friedman:
With what specifically. Well, with guided meditation specifically, with stand up comedy sermons specifically, with your loose improvisational style specifically.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Ok, with people actually enjoying services? People showing up at all?

Larry Friedman:
To be serenaded by the Harlem freaking gospel choir?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
At least they were praying.

Rabbi Lewis:
It was a hell of an Ein Keloheinu, Lar.

Larry Friedman:
It’s not kosher, Rabbi Lewis.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Larry, what does that mean?

Larry Friedman:
You have to ask me what kosher means? Study your gemara.

---

Anna Riley:
How is that possible?

---

Anna Riley:
I work harder than God. If He had hired me, He would have made the world by Thursday.

---

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
The seven deadly sins. Who can name the seven deadly sins? People! It was a very popular film with Brad Pitt, you have the ultimate cliff note.

---

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
There’s a reason you gotta do your haftorah at this age.

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Anna Riley:
I’ve seen the way women look at you, even though they know you’re a priest - especially when they know actually.

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Indian Bartender:
I don’t do penance, I do shots.

---

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
[to Anna] Excuse me if I say that I don’t think I’m the best person to offer objective advice on this particular confession.

---

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
You’re a Sikh, Catholic Muslim with Jewish in-laws?

Indian Bartender:
Yes. Yes. It gets very complicated. I’m reading Dianetics.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Don’t blame you.

---

Anna Riley:
Can I ask you a question?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Yeah, of course, anything.

Anna Riley:
It’s personal, so…

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Oh, are we gonna have the sex talk here?

Anna Riley:
Yes, you’re my friend and I wanna know how this works for you.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Fire away, you must have a list of questions.

Anna Riley:
Really?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Really?

Anna Riley:
So you… don’t. Right?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Right.

Anna Riley:
At all.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
At all.

Anna Riley:
Have you ever, er?

[getting uncomfortable]

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Had sex? Yes.

Anna Riley:
With women.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Yes.

Anna Riley:
So you’re not gay.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
No. No.

Anna Riley:
Are you sure?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Yes, but even if I was the rules are the same.

Anna Riley:
Do you miss it?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
No.

Anna Riley:
Are you tempted?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Nah!

Anna Riley:
Oh, admit it. If they changed the rules you’d be psyched.

---

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Holy majoly!

---

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
[talking about the Ein Keloheinu] Excuse me, Raphae, guys, I just have to do this again ‘cos it’s really been bugging me. Ein Keloheinu. It’s a joyous song, a prayer about praising the Lord, telling the Lord how much we love him, or her, but no matter what I do, I can’t seem to be able to get you folks to sing it with any feeling. I mean, I brought in the band. That didn’t work. I brought in my bongos last week. I think we can all agree that was a backwards step. So this morning, I’ve brought in a little outside help.

---

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
What happened to our youth?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
I’m telling you, it ended at 30, pal.

---

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
What’s the story of Sodom and Gomorrah really about? Anyone? Steve Posner.

Steve Posner:
Sexual perversion.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Sexual perversion. Steve Posner’s watching too much Spice Channel!

---

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
What do you want me to do? Flagellate myself? Jews don’t do that, we plant trees.

---

Anna Riley:
You don’t understand. I have a relationship with my phone, we have a chemistry together, I can’t explain it.

---

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
If I was to tell you that I loved you and I’d give it all away just to be with you, what would you say?

Woman in Bar:
Good night, Paulie.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Yep. That’s about par for the evening.

---

Rachel Rose:
Well, looks like I’m going to Baghdad.

---

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
I keep thinking about what you said in seminary, that the life of a priest is hard and if you can see yourself being happy doing anything else you should do that.

Father Havel:
That was my recruitment pitch, which is not bad when you’re starting out because it makes you feel like a marine. The truth is you can never tell yourself there is only one thing you could be. If you are a priest or if you marry a woman it’s the same challenge. You cannot make a real commitment unless you accept that it’s a choice that you keep making again and again and again.

---

[showing teenage Jake how to do the sign of the cross]

---

Omar:
[speaking passionately in Spanish to Father Brian inside a confessional] Mrs. Lopez, she’s seriously hot, she’s got a rack like

[gestures with his hands]

Omar:
… Forgive Father…

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
[in Spanish] Really, don’t worry about it. It’s completely normal to have those feelings, everyone has them. What’s important is what you do with those feelings. Understand?

Omar:
Sí.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Sí?

Omar:
Mmmhmm.

---

Jacob:
God was showing off when he made you.

---

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
God is a lot like Blanche Du Bois.

---

Indian Bartender:
May those who love us, love us. And those who don’t love us - may God turn their hearts. And if He cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so that we may know them by their limping.

---

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Oy.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Amen to your oy.

---

Father Havel:
Who is calling at this hour? It’s barbaric. I was dreaming about my mother’s sausages.

---

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Whoah! Are you seriously telling me that unless you find a nice Jewish girl and settle down in the next six months they’re not going to give you this job?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
I’m seriously telling you there has not been a bachelor head rabbi of B’Nei Ezra since the beginning of the synagogue.

---

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
I don’t doubt myself because of you. I feel like the best version of myself when I’m with you, and that makes me doubt everything else.

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Paulie Chopra:
I would like to thank you for telling me that story.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Why?

Paulie Chopra:
Because now I can retire.

---

Rachel Rose:
Oh my God! The Iraqi defense minister just committed suicide!

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Ooh!… Is that bad or good?

---

Anna Riley:
Rachel Rose. Yeah. When’s that going down?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Thursday.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Thursday night, 8p.m., dinner.

Anna Riley:
Are you excited?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Yeah. I have a pretty good feeling.

Anna Riley:
Where are you taking her?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
I don’t know. I thought, uh, Ernie’s.

Anna Riley:
Ernie’s? You can’t take her to Ernie’s. Ernie’s has been around since we were kids. You might as well take her to Houlihan’s. You cannot take Rachel Rose to Ernie’s.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Definitely not Ernie’s. Definitely not. Mm-mmm. Uh-oh.

Anna Riley:
No, you gotta take her someplace new and hot.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
No, hot. Definitely hot.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Well, what’s - Okay, what’s new and hot?

Anna Riley:
What do we know about this girl?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Rachel Rose, 29 years old, Columbia School of Journalism. Middle East affairs expert.

Anna Riley:
Perfect. Middle Eastern. She can order in Arabic. Give her a chance to shine. What’s a good place?

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Delphini’s. Definitely Delphini’s. Four stars, New York Times. Definitely Delphini’s. Need a reservation. Delphini’s.

Anna Riley:
Now, are you gonna wear a suit, or are you gonna go cas’?

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
I don’t know. I don’t know. I hadn’t thought about it. I guess cas’.

Anna Riley, Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
No, suit.

Father Brian Kilkenney Finn:
Definitely suit. Definitely…

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Hey, shut up, Rain Man. Seriously. Enough, all right? Now you’re making me think about this.

Anna Riley:
Oh, relax. You’ll do great.

---

Anna Riley:
I can’t Wednesday night, I have a class.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Ok, what are these classes already?

Anna Riley:
I like to try new things sometimes, I don’t wanna talk about it, I get embarrassed.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
You shouldn’t be embarrassed. A lot of people take… aikido.

Anna Riley:
No.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Line dancing.

Anna Riley:
Not even close.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
What’s the big deal, why?

Anna Riley:
Jake.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
Feng Shui?

Anna Riley:
No.

Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram:
You shouldn’t be embarrassed if it’s Feng Shui. You know what? Don’t tell me, I like the whole mysterioso thing, it turns me on.

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