Movie Quotes Blog

Emily:
He’s trying to show you some affection.

Major Payne:
I don’t like it. It makes me feel all funny.

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Major Payne:
Maybe I like you.

Emily:
Just like?

Major Payne:
Maybe I like you a lot.

Emily:
That’s it?

Major Payne:
Don’t push the “maybes”, baby.

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Major Payne:
Who’s the person that got me this blood on this lip? Who’s responsible? Don’t all run at once. Maybe no one’s responsible. I just had it comin’!

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Major Payne:
Maybe what he need is for you to pop your titty out his mouth and let the boy grow up.

Emily:
Excuse me, what did you say?

Major Payne:
I didn’t stutter, I said pop-your-titty-out-his-mouth AND STOP BABYING HIM.

Emily:
I don’t call it babying, I call it nurturing.

Major Payne:
And I call it neutering.

Emily:
And I call you an insecure, overbearing, psychopathic, edictorial, ego maniacal, frigid lunatic ASSHOLE!

Major Payne:
I ain’t frigid.

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Cadet Dotson:
Let’s go, let’s go, giddyup, let’s ride!

[Makes whipcrack noise]

Alex Stone:
What happened to knocking first, Dotson?

Cadet Dotson:
You a**holes don’t need to worry about that.

---

[after a ruse to try and get rid of him, Major Payne forces the cadets to wear dresses and march with him]

Major Payne:
Got no worry, got no stress!

Cadets:
Got no worry, got no stress.

Major Payne:
‘Cause we feel good in a dress.

Cadets:
‘Cause we feel good in a dress.

Major Payne:
Major Payne’s a major diss.

Cadets:
Major Payne’s a major diss.

Major Payne:
He makes us squat when we piss.

Cadets:
He makes us squat when we piss.

Major Payne:
Got no worries, got no care.

Cadets:
Got no worries, got no care.

Major Payne:
I’m just a bald headed son of a bitch without hair.

Cadets:
I’m just a bald headed son of a bitch without hair.

Major Payne:
I tell ya, ladies, you’re the prettiest cadets under my command. I oughta change my name to Pimp Daddy Payne.

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Major Payne:
Tomorrow ladies, we gonna’ start the hard stuff.

Heathcoat:
The *hard* stuff?

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Emily:
[She and Tiger enter Major Payne’s office] Apparently he had a little accident.

Major Payne:
Apparently he pissed all over the front of his pants.

Emily:
Well maybe that’s because he’s six.

Major Payne:
Because he’s six? Woman, when I was six years old I had a full time job.

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Major Payne:
Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I’m gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.

Alex Stone:
Try it.

---

Major Payne:
Let me tell you something ass-eyes, let me tell you ALL something: war has made me very PARANOID! and when you get to eye-balling me, makes my Agent Orange act up, makes me want to KILL!

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Kevin ‘Tiger’ Dunn:
Major Payne wiped out the enemy with extreme prejudice!

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Major Payne:
You’re still a sh*t sandwich. You’re just not a soggy one. From this moment, you are no longer turds. You have graduated to maggots!

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Major Payne:
Ain’t no need for name-callin’!

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Dr. Phillips:
You’re in charge of the green boys

Major Payne:
Come again?

Dr. Phillips:
The green boys… they wear those green ‘tings. You know what’s funny, when they stand in front of the bushes… I can’t see them!

---

[Major Payne has shaved the children bald]

Emily:
Major Payne, can you please help me to understand why you shaved the children bald?

Major Payne:
Oh, that’s my little incentive program. These boys have to earn their do… their hair-do that is. Heh,Heh,Heh.

---

Major Payne:
What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate.

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Emily:
[as Payne is hazing the cadets by making them run around the Madison campus in drag] Major, WHAT are the boys doing in those DRESSES?

Major Benson Winifred Payne:
Oh, they’re just puttin’ on a fashion show.

Emily:
Do you really think THIS is the best way to gain the respect and admiration of these young men?

Major Benson Winifred Payne:
They may not like me, but they WILL respect me.

Emily:
Let me be more direct: they HATE you.

Major Benson Winifred Payne:
Good. It’ll draw ‘em close together, make ‘em a team.

Emily:
That’s a very cynical plan!

Major Benson Winifred Payne:
Yeah, well at least it won’t backfire. Besides, they started it.

---

[Major Payne after noticing the big biker]

Major Payne:
Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum. What beanstalk you fall from?

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Emily:
Here. I want you to read this book. Read it. Apply it.

Major Payne:
The ABC’s Of Being A Positive Male Role Model?

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Major Payne:
Heh, heh, heh!

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Major Payne:
From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be BALD like me.

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Cadet Alex Stone:
It’s slippery!

Major Payne:
Slippery he say. You think Charlie cares anything about slippery? The only thing he know is to slip your throat. What if this were a life or death situation?

Cadet Alex Stone:
But it’s not a life or death situation.

Major Payne:
[Pulls out grenade and pulls the pin] It is now.

Cadet Alex Stone:
Oh come on, it’s just a dummy grenade.

[Major Payne tosses the grenade into some trees. It explodes and Alex Stone dives into the mud]

Major Payne:
Who’s the dummy now?

---

[Major Payne yells at Cadet Fox]

Major Payne:
What’s your damage, muscle head? You stupid? You ignorant or are you just plain old deaf?

Woliger:
Actually, sir, he is deaf.

Major Payne:
Oh, thank you now drop down and give me 25 more for speaking out of line!

[back to Fox]

Major Payne:
I’m sorry, Mr. Handicapped Man. I did not mean to offend you. Do you understand sign language? Can you read lips? Well if you don’t answer me when I speak to you, I’m gonna put my foot in your ass, is that clear dummy?

Cadet Fox:
Sir, yes sir!

---

Cadet Alex Stone:
What about family and unity and all that other bullsh*t you said?

Major Benson Winifred Payne:
I never said family don’t break up. Don’t you watch Oprah?

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Major Payne:
You like the way I handled them white folks back there?

Cadet Williams:
Yeah.

Major Payne:
You like a black man to handle things?

Cadet Williams:
Malcolm X.

Major Payne:
Let me tell you something… I AM NOT YOUR DAMN BROTHER!

---

Kevin ‘Tiger’ Dunn:
Major Payne! I have to go to the bathroom.

Major Payne:
You hold it, turd!

Kevin ‘Tiger’ Dunn:
I can’t!

Major Payne:
You hold it or else I’ll break it off and kick it around on the ground!

[Later]

Kevin ‘Tiger’ Dunn:
Major Payne!

Major Payne:
What, boy? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

Kevin ‘Tiger’ Dunn:
I had an accident.

[He had peed down the front of his pants]

Major Payne:
You nasty little worm. Go change your Huggies, boy!

---

Major Payne:
One! Don’t you feel dumb. Two! Look at you. Three! Don’t you ever make jokes about me behind my back or else I’ll stomp you into the ground.

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Major Payne:
Killing is my business, and business is GOOOOOOOD!

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Cadet Williams:
Payne’s not here, he’s in our ass!

Cadets:
Payne’s not here, he’s in our ass!

Cadet Williams:
Butt’s so tight he can’t pass gas!

Cadets:
Butt’s so tight he can’t pass gas!

Cadet Williams:
Sound off!

Cadets:
1,2!

Cadet Williams:
Sound off!

Cadets:
3,4!

Cadet Williams:
Break it on down! Break it on down!

[Starts to dance until Major Payne comes behind him]

Major Payne:
You like to rhyme, boy?

---

[at attention]

Major Payne:
Major Payne reporting for duty, SIR!

Dr. Phillips:
Whaaat?

---

Major Payne:
You eye me one more time I’ll snatch it out and put it in Heathcoat’s cookie bag!

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Major Benson Winifred Payne:
[on the rained-out obstacle course] Move it, you turds! You’ll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between “spit” and “syphilis!”… You there! Tell Marlee Matlin’s son to get across that rope before I hang him with it!

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Enemy General:
You’d better give up, senor, you cannot kill us all.

Major Payne:
Nope, but I can clean your colon quicker than one of them burrito with extra guacamole sauce!

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Woliger:
Achoo!

Major Payne:
What the hell was that you little freckle face cartoon? Did I give you permission to sneeze, Opie?

Woliger:
No, sir.

Major Payne:
Then you hold it before I kick your ass back to Mayberry.

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Major Payne:
From now on, you will not eat, sleep, blow your nose or dig in your butts without my say! Killin’is my business, ladies, and business is good!

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Kevin ‘Tiger’ Dunn:
[referring to all the other cadets, save Dotson] They won’t let me go on a “Black Op,” because I’m too little, and nobody ever lets you do anything when you’re little.

Major Payne:
Aw, phooey! Don’t you ever read any of those stories about little people who do big things? Little Red Riding Hood! The Three Little Pigs! Spike Lee! The Little Rascals! How about the Little Engine That Could!

---

Major Benson Winifred Payne:
Be advised, ladies, we are going to WIN the Virginia Military Games this year! You will note my emphasis on the word WIN: Whisky! India! November! GET USED TO THE SOUND OF THAT WORD!

[and later, as he’s introducing the cadets to their new, off-campus quarters]

Major Benson Winifred Payne:
A squad that lives together, wins together! UNITY, turds: that is the key word in UNIT, without the “Y!”

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Major Payne:
One, tubby, tubby! Two, tubby, tubby!

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Major Payne:
If he’s still in there he ain’t happy!

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Heathcoat:
Why do I have to wear the dress?

Alex Stone:
Because you are the one with the biggest tits!

[laughter]

Heathcoat:
SHUT UP!

---

Major Payne:
I surprised you ain’t dropped ’bout 12 puppies by now. Ain’t you never been married?

Emily:
Yeah, I was.

Major Payne:
What happened? You terminate his command?

Emily:
No, actually he left. I wanted children, he didn’t.

---

Major Benson Winifred Payne:
[Payne has just been informed that the USMC has run out of battles for him to fight, AND has passed him over for promotion to Lieutenant Colonel] General, are you telling me that nowhere in the military is there any longer a job for trained human weapons of destruction such as myself?

Gen. Decker:
Most blood is now shed in the halls of Congress, Payne. Guys like us are becoming dinosaurs.

Major Benson Winifred Payne:
General, surely there must be SOMEBODY left who needs some killing, or some killing done for them.

Gen. Decker:
Sorry, Major. There’s nobody left. You’ve killed them all.

---

Major Payne:
Hello little fella. What you had was a nightmare. You know what a nightmare is?

Kevin ‘Tiger’ Dunn:
Uh huh.

Major Payne:
Well then, run on upstairs to bed before that man jump out the closet and chop your head off.

---

Major Payne:
I guess I just had that one a comin’ Well you know what ya’ll got a comin’? Seven twenty-three hour days of fun and adventure. I’m gonna make you boys strong!

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Woliger:
[Sees that Alex is putting on his dress blues] Where are you going?

Alex Stone:
To the games. You guys better get ready - we gotta be there in an hour.

Woliger:
Alex… we don’t have a chance without Payne.

Alex Stone:
Listen - Payne or no *Payne,* I’m gonna go out there and get that *stupid* trophy. We busted our asses off out there! Now, I didn’t go through all that to come out empty handed.

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