Movie Quotes Blog

Damon Packard:
CGI rules! Go, digital, go!

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Kevin ‘Tiger’ Dunn:
Major Payne! I have to go to the bathroom.

Major Payne:
You hold it, turd!

Kevin ‘Tiger’ Dunn:
I can’t!

Major Payne:
You hold it or else I’ll break it off and kick it around on the ground!

[Later]

Kevin ‘Tiger’ Dunn:
Major Payne!

Major Payne:
What, boy? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

Kevin ‘Tiger’ Dunn:
I had an accident.

[He had peed down the front of his pants]

Major Payne:
You nasty little worm. Go change your Huggies, boy!

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Major Payne:
One! Don’t you feel dumb. Two! Look at you. Three! Don’t you ever make jokes about me behind my back or else I’ll stomp you into the ground.

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Major Payne:
Killing is my business, and business is GOOOOOOOD!

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Cadet Williams:
Payne’s not here, he’s in our ass!

Cadets:
Payne’s not here, he’s in our ass!

Cadet Williams:
Butt’s so tight he can’t pass gas!

Cadets:
Butt’s so tight he can’t pass gas!

Cadet Williams:
Sound off!

Cadets:
1,2!

Cadet Williams:
Sound off!

Cadets:
3,4!

Cadet Williams:
Break it on down! Break it on down!

[Starts to dance until Major Payne comes behind him]

Major Payne:
You like to rhyme, boy?

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[at attention]

Major Payne:
Major Payne reporting for duty, SIR!

Dr. Phillips:
Whaaat?

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Serpentor:
There can be no negotiation, you insignificant microbe!

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Mendy Ripstein:
[after getting to know the fight has been cancelled] Jesus f*ckin’ Christ! This f*ckin’ state. Who the f*ck does this f*ckin’ warden… f*ckin’ think he is? Doesn’t anybody know how to do business in this f*ckin’ state? My f*ckin’ wife and her f*ckin’ asthma and allergies. We had to move to the f*ckin’ desert. Goddamn f*ckin’ chickensh*t doctors… I should’ve known better than listen to those sh*theels. f*ckin’ Palm Springs… Lay there in the f*ckin’ sun and do nothin’. Then this f*ckin’ state grabs my ass for taxes. Why the f*ck I didn’t stay in f*ckin’ Florida… where people know how to do f*ckin’ business. f*ckin’ wife and her f*ckin’ asthma. sh*t! Somethin’ needs to get f*ckin’ done…

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W:
…and if they don’t wanna listen, well I’ll bury them sons of bitches!

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Syd:
What do you look for in a woman?

Dex:
Uh… Low Standards.

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Dex:
But I think seriously that most people want a composite of the opposite sex. Ya know, cuz you gals aren’t ever going to find Antonio Banderas with the personality of Fred MacMurray. And I’m never going to get Rachel Welch with the personality of Lucille Ball.

Syd:
What’s wrong with just Lucille Ball?

Rick:
What’s wrong with just Rachel Welch?

Dex:
Amen! I mean my biggest fear is that I’m gonna marry the woman that I want to hang out with and talk to in my golden years and then die in a fiery car crash when I’m forty and I miss all those years of having sex.

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Dave:
I’M A TAOIST!

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Dex:
Y’know, no one ever says, “Hey, God, how was your day? What can I do for you, God?” Or, “Hey, God, did you catch Letterman last night?”

Syd:
Oh, and I suppose you talk to God like that?

Dex:
Always. All the time.

Syd:
And what does God say?

Dex:
He says, “You know what? I saw Letterman and it sucked.”

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Priest:
Dex, I find it hard to believe that someone of your, uh…

Dex:
Moral turpitude?

Priest:
Yeah, would ever consider being a priest.

Dex:
Ya know, actually, I was accepted to Divinity school.

Priest:
Really? So what happened?

Dex:
It’s like St. Augustine said, ya know: “Lord, give me chastity and virtue, but not just yet.”

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Major Payne:
You eye me one more time I’ll snatch it out and put it in Heathcoat’s cookie bag!

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Major Benson Winifred Payne:
[on the rained-out obstacle course] Move it, you turds! You’ll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between “spit” and “syphilis!”… You there! Tell Marlee Matlin’s son to get across that rope before I hang him with it!

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Enemy General:
You’d better give up, senor, you cannot kill us all.

Major Payne:
Nope, but I can clean your colon quicker than one of them burrito with extra guacamole sauce!

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Woliger:
Achoo!

Major Payne:
What the hell was that you little freckle face cartoon? Did I give you permission to sneeze, Opie?

Woliger:
No, sir.

Major Payne:
Then you hold it before I kick your ass back to Mayberry.

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Major Payne:
From now on, you will not eat, sleep, blow your nose or dig in your butts without my say! Killin’is my business, ladies, and business is good!

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Syd:
I made a schedule on my computer.

Dex:
How Marcia Brady of you!

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Dex:
And that takes us to Part III of the Tao of Steve, okay? Alright, after you’ve eliminated your desire, and after you’ve been excellent in her presence, then you must retreat. Okay?

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[Dex takes a substantial hit off a bong at 7:30am]

Syd:
Would you describe this as a typical morning for you?

Dex:
[Trying not to exhale] Hell no. Usually I spend this time cross-training.

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Dex:
Both men and women want to have sex. It’s natural, except we’re on different timetables. Women want to have sex, like, y’know, fifteen minutes after us, so alright, if you hold out for twenty she’ll be chasing you for five.

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Dex:
And this takes us to the second rule of Being Steve: You have to do something excellent in her presence, thus demonstrating your sexual worthiness.

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Dave:
f*ck you, man. You’re all Steve’s and I’m Gomer f*cking Pyle, man? f*ck that. Screw you guys.

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[At night, in their tents]

Dex:
Good night, Rick!

Rick:
Good night, Dex.

Dex:
Good night, Maggie!

Maggie:
Good night, John Boy.

Dex:
Goodnight, Syd.

Syd:
MY GOD DO YOU EVER STOP TALKING?

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Dave:
I’m not looking for enlightenment, Dex. I’m looking for a girlfriend.

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Dex:
Awwww, dude, there’s a certain order you’re supposed to do things in, and telling someone you love them is definitely last in that order.

Dave:
Well, when are you supposed to tell ‘em?

Dex:
I dunno. Maybe your 40th wedding anniversary or something?

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Dex:
You can’t just go up to a woman and say, ‘Hi! I’m Dave! I like smoking pot, reading the sports page on the john… wanna have sex with me?’

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Rick:
Can I talk to you second?

Dex:
I’m blanching the butter.

Rick:
Okay, Martha Stewart. When you’re done?

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Dex:
I’m serious. If you’re hanging out with women as friends, your doing your research in the wrong library.

Dave:
What’s wrong with being friends with women?

Dex:
Nothing, but getting out of that category of ‘friend’ is harder than like getting out of Alcatraz.

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Rick:
This is almost as ridiculous as your sleeping diet.

Dex:
That time I lost 30 pounds.

Rick:
You also lost your job.

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Dave:
Okay, so if I’m not a Steve, then what am I?

Dex:
You… You’re… a Stu.

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Dex:
I’m gonna tell you this one last time and maybe you should tattoo it on your dick so you don’t forget, okay? “We pursue that which retreats from us.”

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